“I had three children and the wrong one died” -Irvin Yalom (Love’s executioner)
Could these truly be the words of a mother? Insensitive though they sound, they are the words of grief and loss. Through Penny’s case, Irvin Yalom, the renowned psychologist, shows what a child’s death can do to a parent. Penny holds on to her grief. She refuses to let go of her daughter's things, repeatedly visits her grave, and ignores her family. So locked is she in death, that she forgets her duty towards life. Yalom aptly demonstrates that grieving involves not just coming to terms with death, but also coming to terms with life- “If one is to live with the dead, one must first learn to live with the living”. This is a piece on death, grief and learning to live with the living.
A loss greater than any other
Losing a child is different from any other loss. The trauma and pain are more intense and prolonged. The mourning is deeper, longer-lasting, and recurring. Moreover, it’s a loss that affects the whole family system. Siblings suffer increased isolation, social withdrawal, guilt, anxiety, and depression due to unavailable parents. Grandparents and relatives face ‘double grief’. They grieve the child and also the parents who face the loss. They find themselves in a hard place where they don’t know how to share their grief or help. Stillbirth or the loss of an infant isolates parents even more since others can’t comprehend their loss and offer cliches like ‘have another baby.
Why does it hurt so much?
Shatters assumptions
In many ways, the loss of a child is an anomaly and tends to affect parents’ assumptions about the world. Generally, parents outlive their children and are their protectors. Furthermore, advances in modern technology have made the death of a child even rarer. Thus, such a loss comes as a shocking violation of reality and makes parents question their beliefs.
Parent-child bond
Raising offspring is common to all living organisms. However, humans make this process unique by endowing it with psychological and social elements. Children are often central to parents’ identity. The parent-child bond is the strongest and most intimate bond. It is an organizer of parents' sense of self and their relationships with others. Therefore, the loss of a child is akin to losing parental identity.
The loss of a future
Children are often extensions of parents and are related to their generativity. Parents have dreams about their children’s futures. Children are also linked with the hopes of having grandchildren. The loss of a child crushes these dreams. This creates an existential crisis wherein parents are forced to find meaning beyond their children.
Lack of support
The loss of a child is familial loss and every member is affected. This makes it harder to seek support from others. Sometimes the loss of a child may be accompanied by stigma. Such stigmatized deaths alienate parents from others in the community.
The many faces of grief
Every person has a different reaction to grief. It's necessary to acknowledge these differences to avoid conflicts. Typically, it is believed that grief resolves within a specific period. However, grief is fluid and it occurs in waves. Eventually, the intensity and frequency of these waves decrease. However, one is never completely bereft of pain and sadness. Some of the common reactions to grief are-
Shock, disbelief, or denial
Extreme sadness, despair, guilt, and regret
Intense anger towards oneself or others, and increase in marital conflicts. Anger towards the child for dying.
Fear and overprotecting the surviving siblings
Loss of faith
Meaninglessness in life and a desire to escape the pain
Feeling the child’s presence, having visualizations or hallucinations of the child’s cry, etc.
Isolation and loneliness
Thinking about the child during milestone events like graduation
Restlessness, tension, and hyperactivity
Inability to concentrate, disorientation, confusion, and disorganized thinking
Keeping busy to avoid feelings
Depression and lowered self-esteem
Yearning and preoccupation with memories of the departed child.
Developing a physical ailment or worsening of past physical problems
Headaches and body aches
Insomnia and appetite changes
Drug or alcohol abuse
How to live with the living?
United we stand, divided we fall
Although each family member has their way of grieving, it is possible to find comfort in each other's company. Being together and supporting each other can help reduce isolation. It is essential to strengthen the family bonds and fall back on one’s sense of belonging.
Communication is the key
The hardest phase of bereavement is after the funeral when relatives and friends go back to their lives. The grief continues for the bereaved. It is common to shut down in such situations. However, communicating more with family members and loved ones can aid in coping.
Art can heal
Bereavement gives rise to very complicated emotions. Creative and artistic outlets like journaling, sketching, making playlists in memory of your child, etc. helps you to express and process feelings. Art can heal, so, encourage yourself and others to find such outlets for feelings.
Accept a helping hand
Doing everything on your own makes it harder to grieve. Be open to receiving help from others. Often friends wish to help but do not know how they can contribute. Communicating needs can allow you to get the help needed.
Forgive yourself
It’s natural to experience guilt after a loss. Confront and admit these feelings. Examining your actions and intentions at the time of loss may help you see them more objectively and positively. Remember you are only human, so forgive yourself!
Remember, baby steps!
Focusing on one moment at a time can make grief bearable. Break the day into smaller segments and attend to one task at a time. Cherish every moment of normalcy.
Get.. set… healthy
Physical health improves mental health. However, people neglect health rituals while grieving. Take care of your health, but, without being too hard on yourself. Setting small health goals for each day can be useful.
Set a routine
Routines are an excellent way to create security and comfort. Get back to all your daily tasks. Continue with hobbies and interests that your family enjoyed before the loss.
Dial a professional
Bereavement is accompanied by a host of issues. Depression and suicidal ideation are common. Seeking help from a professional like a grief counselor can be helpful. Family therapy can help the whole family develop adequate coping skills. Support groups provide a safe space to express feelings and help people connect with others in similar situations.
Accept happiness
Life seems unpleasurable after the loss of a child. Some parents refuse to enjoy themselves due to guilt. However, enjoying a book or movie occasionally is not a sign of abandonment. Allowing yourself to step away from bereavement is essential for coping and survival. Grieve but don’t nurse it, be open to other vistas of life.
A Concluding note
The loss of a child cuts through the present, past, and future. It is easy to get frozen in grief; buried under layers of despair. But there is a difference between holding onto something and letting something be a part of you. Let every memory be a part of yourself, but don’t let your grief hold you back from being and becoming. Grieve for the dead, but live for and with the living!
References
https://www.verywellfamily.com/coping-with-the-sudden-death-of-a-child-2609745
https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=grief-and-bereavement-90-P03048
https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/how-parents-experience-the-death-of-a-child/
https://www.cancer.net/coping-with-cancer/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/good-mourning/201707/dealing-the-death-child
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/01460868509006363
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