“Defensiveness often reveals an area of our lives where we’re in denial” – Kyle Idleman
Defensiveness refers to the feeling a person gets when they are criticized, or feel they are threatened. A person knows they are feeling defensive when they feel guilt, shame, anger, and sadness when they perceive someone as being overly critical of them. The person would then put up a front of sarcasm, using the silent treatment, or also being critical in return to be defensive. Defensiveness is often a coping mechanism.
Purpose
The purpose of being defensive is to shield oneself from feelings of being shamed or hurt. The person acting defensive may not do it consciously or realize it, but they may try to shift the blame onto the other person so that they feel secure about themselves. Defensive behaviors usually will help you feel better for a short period of time, but they will make you feel worse over a long period.
When a person points out the flaws in the person who criticized them to avoid feeling threatened, they may also end up making the other person defensive, and this ends up resulting in a cycle of defensive behavior that no one intended to have.
Signs of being defensive
Defensiveness is challenging to recognize when it comes from within. These are some of the signs of exhibiting defensive behavior if you engage in any of the following after being confronted:
Not listen to the other person.
Blame the person for their criticisms.
Make excuses about the criticisms.
Accuse the other person of the same.
Make up justifications for your actions.
Tell the other person that their opinions are wrong, and that they should not feel that way.
Bring up their past problems to distract them from your issue.
Causes of defensiveness
If a person has realized that they showcase patterns of defensive behavior, they may be wondering where it started, what caused it, and if anything is underlying this particular issue.
The major causes of defensiveness are:
Reaction to child abuse or trauma: A person may start feeling defensive to any negative opinion towards them because defending themselves is the only way they feel they have power over themselves.
Reaction to fearfulness or insecurity: A person may start feeling defensive to feel like they have control over themselves, and to convince themselves they are not afraid of anything.
Reaction to guilt or shame: A person may respond defensively if they are feeling guilty about something, and someone else starts talking about a similar topic.
Reaction to lack of assertiveness or anxiety: A person may be defensive when they lack the confidence to communicate properly, or cannot assert themselves.
Reaction to concealing the truth: A person may be defensive if they are trying to hide something and are questioned about it.
Reaction to an attack on your behavior or character: A person will become defensive if their character, behavior, or integrity is questioned.
Reaction to feeling helplessness to change: A person will act defensively if they feel helpless about changing something which others have commented upon.
Learned behavior: A person can also learn defensiveness from the people around them, for eg, their parents or significant others.
Symptom of mental disorder: Defensiveness can also be a symptom of an underlying mental disorder such as personality disorders.
All of these show that being overly defensive is due to psychological causes as compared to chemical or biological causes.
Types of defensive behavior
There are many types of being defensive, some of these are:
Silent Treatment: When a person stops talking to the other so they can get back at them for being criticized.
Shifting Blame: When a person shifts the blame onto the other because they do not like what they are being criticized about.
Victimization: When a person agrees with the criticism that they are getting, but then plays themselves up to be the innocent victim so the other person can feel guilty and sympathetic towards them and to also stop questioning them.
Using Past Events: When a person reminds the other of what they did wrong in the past, and uses those incidents as ammunition, so that they can stop the other person from confronting them.
Gaslighting: When a person makes the other question their validity and sanity by lying or denying doing things. The defensive person will also try to convince the other into believing that they are irrational and/or cannot think clearly.
Righteous Indignation: When a person acts as they should not be questioned on a certain topic due to any reason. For example, a negligent parent would say that they spend too much time working, and thus cannot spend time with their kids even when that is not the truth.
Ad-hominem attacks: When a person directly insults, or attacks the other person verbally so that their opinions could be discredited.
Negative Impact of Defensive Behavior
Some major negative impacts of defensive behavior are:
Making situations more hostile than needed.
Feeling like an outcast and not fitting in.
Feeling worse because of making others feel bad unintentionally.
Behavior not aligned with the person you want to be.
Problems never get solved due to bringing up the same issues over and over again.
Other people refuse to change due to your behavior.
Lack of empathy towards others.
Feeling negative all the time and being unable to focus on the positives.
How to Reduce Defensiveness
Be aware of your defensive behavior, the first step to solve a problem is recognizing that there is one.
Validate your feelings of being criticized and do not try to suppress the feeling of being hurt.
Do not act on your negative feelings and have compassion for yourself.
Try to align yourself with your positive values.
Let the other person know how their comments make you feel.
Ask for respect while being assertive.
Do not shift the topic, and discuss solutions accordingly.
Try to anticipate when you are feeling defensive so that you can compose yourself
Improve your self-esteem so that others’ comments do not make you feel defensive.
If this is a recurring problem, try to seek a therapist or counselor.
Take responsibility for your actions, and do not skirt around the issue.
Work on your communication skills, so that you do not continue the cycle of defensiveness.
Conclusion
We all have our moments where we end up being defensive, and that is normal to a certain extent. Every person is responsible for the way they feel, but it is important to communicate their feelings properly. If the other person is being defensive one can try to communicate with them properly, and try not to control their behavior, listen to what they have to say, be empathetic, etc. It is not weak to admit that you are hurt when others question or criticize you, but if it is affecting a person too much it will be beneficial for one to seek therapy as always being defensive can cause a strain to your relationships.
References
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