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Emotional detachment: Building relationships instead of walls

There was nothing wrong with Shreya yet something bothered everyone. She was the class representative, a hockey player, and a hardcore perfectionist, and yet there was something about her…Why did she loom like a lost thread in the tapestry? Why couldn’t anyone ever know her? What mystery lay behind those dark cloudy eyes? Her closest friends felt locked out of the expanse of her experience; Shielded by a daunting fortification of cold detachment. Was she just secretive? Shy maybe? Cold? Numb? Or was she just emotionally detached?


Emotional detachment is a state of being disconnected or disengaged from one’s and others’ feelings. It involves the inability or unwillingness to engage fully with one’s emotional life. This can be an involuntary response to stressful situations or it can be voluntarily used to shield out pain. Although emotional detachment protects one from stress, anxiety, and hurt, it can interfere with psychological, social, and emotional well-being. Here’s a short piece on the fortifications of emotional detachment and how to break these to build fulfilling relationships.


Why have I become emotionally detached?

Everything begins in childhood

Childhood experiences tend to have a great impact on adult behavior patterns. This is especially true in cases of abuse or neglect. Individuals from abusive or neglectful families face attachment problems that impair their ability to form healthy relationships. Children usually require a great deal of emotional connection. Emotional deprivation can lead to their emotional receptors turning off, making them emotionally detached. Moreover, children from authoritarian households never learn to accept emotions which makes them struggle with emotional expressions during crises.


To detach is to cope?

Emotional detachment serves as a coping style. It also helps establish relationship boundaries. Although such detachment is beneficial, it can affect optimal functioning if it becomes an overused coping pattern.

A symptom rather than a disorder

Emotional detachment can sometimes be a symptom of another disorder. Some disorders that lead to emotional detachment are-

  1. Depression

  2. PTSD

  3. Bipolar disorder

  4. Personality disorders

In children, emotional detachment takes the form of reactive attachment disorder or disinhibited social engagement disorder.

When the solution becomes the problem

Emotional detachment can also be a side effect of certain medications. Antidepressants like serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are infamous for causing emotional detachment. Substance abuse problems and drugs can also be causative factors.


Signs that you are emotionally detached

  1. Avoidance of situations, activities, or people

  2. Feelings of ambivalence

  3. Difficulties with empathy

  4. Preoccupation with self and inability to pay attention to others

  5. Difficulties with expressing emotions

  6. Sense of disconnection

  7. Loss of interest in people and activities

  8. Preference for solitude

  9. Relationship difficulties

  10. Inability to prioritize people or give relationship commitment

  11. Lack of verbal, physical, or sexual contact in relationships.


Emotional detachment is not all bad

Whether emotional detachment becomes problematic or not depends on the context. It is advantageous when it is used purposefully e.g. for drawing boundaries with emotionally demanding people. It also prevents burnout in professions like healthcare that involve emotional intensity and stress. However, emotional detachment becomes problematic if one loses control over it. This leads to emotional blunting which involves debilitating feelings of numbness or being muted.


How to build relationships instead of walls?

Meditate and reflect

Mindfulness and meditation allow people to be in the moment. They increase awareness about sensations and feelings and help practice self-compassion and self-awareness.


Paint your way to self-discovery

Artistic outlets like painting, music, poetry, etc tap into one’s deepest emotions. They also create a safe place to explore vulnerabilities. Moreover, art releases dopamine, which alleviates anxiety, stress, or depression associated with emotional detachment.


Let your words speak your heart

Journaling aids self-discovery and coping. Writing about feelings and thoughts is a better way of coping rather than merely detaching. It also helps one detect patterns or triggers associated with emotional detachment.


Nurture relationships

Supportive relationships provide physical and psychological benefits. They also foster awareness about emotions. Safe relationships can upholster growth as you become increasingly aware of emotions. They can also counteract the effects of early adversarial relationships


Don’t be afraid of vulnerability

Emotional vulnerability is necessary for any relationship. It forges authentic connections, breaks emotional walls, and strengthens relationships. However, emotional vulnerability takes time and practice. Surround yourself with people who allow you to open up at your pace. Remember, the key is patience and persistence.


Dial a professional

Consulting a professional can help deal with detachment issues. Treatment usually relies on the causes of emotional detachment. If the underlying cause is a mental condition, the treatment targets that condition. Psychotherapy helps process difficult emotions involved in trauma-induced emotional detachment. Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT ) and Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are also effective. CBT targets negative beliefs and maladaptive behaviors that contribute to detachment. It also helps people build more effective means of coping. ACT promotes awareness and control of negative emotions.


How to be a safe space for an emotionally detached loved one?

Relationships with emotionally detached individuals can be demanding. They can lead to frustration and resentment. Here are some ways of coping-


Do you want to be a safe space?

Any change begins with intention. Do a self-check evaluating your degree of emotional availability in the relationship and encourage your partner to do the same. You and your loved one should be committed to the process of change. If the effort is wholly one-sided, it is better to abandon the idea. There is a difference between not opening up now and not opening up ever.


Go to the roots

Solutions begin with a problem definition. Communicate with your loved one. Identifying the causes of emotional detachment helps decide the action plan. However, such communication requires a great degree of vulnerability which is not easy. Becoming strategically vulnerable about certain areas of your life can help model similar behavior in your loved one. Be patient with your partner and reinforce every little effort to open up with compliments. Patience, support, and openness can go a long way.


Upholster those communication lines

Once a discussion has begun, strive to maintain those lines of communication. Setting ground rules about communication can help. Be clear about acceptable and unacceptable means of communication. One can schedule specific times or days for sharing emotional intimacy or for checking in with one’s partner. Often engaging in activities like walks or shared hobbies like reading can help forge communication. Playing games like 20 questions can also help you keep in touch with your partner's interests and foster better communication.

Tune into your feelings

Often people become emotionally detached due to a loss of touch with themselves. Being accepting, honest, and compassionate with yourself helps generalize similar behaviors to relationships. Motivate yourself and your loved one to engage in activities that increase self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-compassion. Writing gratitude letters to yourself, doing loving-kindness meditation, and taking mental breaks to do things you enjoy can all help develop a more compassionate and accepting attitude towards yourself.


A concluding note

Emotional detachment helps create boundaries and distance, but this power is an illusion. True power lies not in being invulnerable or distant, but in knowing that strength can exist despite vulnerabilities. Fortresses and walls can only nurse fears, but it takes the softness of soil and water to nurture daunting trees. Be fierce not by shutting out the world but by shutting away fear. It is time you built relationships instead of walls!


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