Since ancient times, wars, pandemics, tragedies & other mishaps have brought suffering to people. Yet, there have been instances where few people remained unaffected by these exterior situations and continued to achieve whatever they wanted to. From Nelson Mandela, who spent 27 years in prison, & yet became even more inspired & strong to Anne Frank whose diary during the darkest time of the Holocaust depicts un-common optimism-are examples of this truth. In contrast, our generation seldom experiences major catastrophic events, as was in the previous case, but we are still suffering-even more.
Who is at fault?
“Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf”, Jonatan Martensson.
It looks like to be a repercussion of our inability in managing our thoughts & emotions in a constructive manner. To put it like this-we are hijacked by our unconscious impulses & are not living intelligently.
EI to the Rescue!
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others in an intelligent way.
It is a skill that can be harnessed to improve our emotional conditions & also empathize with others. We have a tendency to “live” inside our head & suffer internally. This, of course becomes a huge problem because we aren't educated about how to live otherwise-not controlled by our emotions but- in control of them.
In the ground breaking book “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” written by Daniel Goleman in 1995, the author emphasis the importance of the much neglected part of human existence-emotions.
“For better or worse, intelligence can come to nothing when the emotions hold sway.” ― Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Needs
Just like the body has certain needs for feeling fulfilled & healthy, so does the mind .There are emotional needs that need to be fulfilled by all & a sense of lack in either one can cause various problems. Some of these include:
Security
A sense of security is needed to feel at ease & happy. It’s a privilege for many of us. For eg: People living in war-affected areas can hardly experience this. People showing obsessive behavior with “order” tend to fulfill their urge for security in the manner.
Variety
Life is a constant phenomenon. People also need a sense of “newness” in things. This need is usually fulfilled by people who live their live “adventurously”.
Importance
This one is quite common. We all have seen those “Attention seekers” who dwell on the opinions of others to feel fulfilled. They are trying to fill their need to be feel important & valued.
Love
Perhaps the most misunderstood. We spend a lot of time trying to find someone “else” who would be fulfilling this need forgetting that we are self-sufficient to take care of this ourselves.
Every person has different priorities for the above emotional needs. Some yearn for love, some for security & some for a combination of these. It can often be discovered what a person is seeking if we observe their behaviour.
Benefits of Emotional Intelligence
“There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse.” ― Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence
We experience more emotional injuries than physical ones- isn’t an understatement. Almost all of us can remember the last time we were rejected or disappointed or hard on ourselves because things weren’t going the way we wanted to. Knowing the inevitability of such situations, shouldn’t we learn & prepare to be ready to wade through them? Do you know a person (which I believe includes us all!) who wants to:
Be resilient to criticism
Persevere in the face of adversity
Develop and maintain successful relationships
Live a truly happy life (Not just trapped inside the mind?)
Then EI has lots to offer:
Improvement Planning
1. The foremost step in this journey is to educate ourselves in the field and find out what we have been missing.
Here is some recommended literature for reading:
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry
The Chimp Paradox by Professor Steve Peters
The 21 Day Mental makeover by James W. Williams
This knowledge will not only broaden our understanding of the concept but also give us more perspectives.
2. Application of Self-Awareness to all aspects of life (Relationships, work & family) & identifying our unconscious reactions. Mindfulness is a great tool to enhance our awareness levels. Mindfulness is a state of being, where we are fully aware of situations, emotions & thoughts & see them- as they are-non-judgmentally & without criticism. It’s a wonderful technique that has a wide scope of its own. Once we are aware of our patterns, we can then consciously choose to either change them or adapt ourselves to them. This takes commitment & time but the results are worthwhile. 3. The P.A.L.M Method-Proposed by Dr. Graham of The Priority Academy, England, the P.A.L.M method is a go-to tool to channel disempowering emotions into empowering ones. It is a well-known fact that emotions are affected by the state of the body & vice versa. Therefore, emotions can be hacked by consciously altering the state of the body. P.A.L.M method incorporates: P: Physical Aspect (Posture, breathing & stance) A: Attention (Where focus goes, Energy Flows) L: Language (Using positive language) M: Meaning (Our perspective towards a situation) For eg: We know that stress can cause the body to become lethargic & worn out. What if we try to change our emotional state by changing our physical one? It can be done in a following manner: Let’s say we stand upright instead of bending down (Physical Aspect) & look at the things that we have done well & be grateful for those (Attention).We can also say some motivating words to ourselves (Language) or look at things from a brighter side (Perspective). It is sure to bring a considerable change. Try out for yourself what works best for you & use them in times of need.
Maintaining Progress
There are some powerful questions that one can ask himself/herself when feeling stuck. What is my “Why” for doing what I am doing? Is it for money, power, health, happiness or a combination of these? What will it feel like when I achieve my Goal? Who am I doing this for? Is the problem really a problem or another opportunity? Knowing this can pull us out even from the darkest caves of our mind. An honest answer to these questions can act as an anchor during ones toughest times.
Taking Responsibility no matter what- it’s pretty simple!
We all have a tendency to tell ourselves “stories”- some comforting lines that justify our doing & explain our present condition. This gives comfort & a sense of being “right”. Yet, these are just stories. Some of the biggest blunders in human history occurred because some people “justified” their actions as they strongly believed in their stories. The opposite is also true. If we take responsibility for our actions, the story changes. Suddenly, we see that we are the Doers - not the Victims - & this is a powerful realization. Ironically, ”Responsibility” is a repulsive word - it sounds equivalent to “Blaming” Almost as “Who is Responsible?” is equivalent to “Who is to Blame?” It doesn’t have to be like that. If we break the word Responsibility, it is the “Ability to respond” (2) The ability to respond to a situation - intelligently & consciously. It must not be confused with the ability to Act. Our Ability to Act on a Situation is Limited but our ability to Respond is Infinite (3) Let that sink in for a while. Doesn’t this feel liberating that we can choose 100% of how we respond? It just opens up a new dimension. Only when we take responsibility for our flaws & our strengths, we harness a control that is unshakable.
Empathy & Compassion
All of us have heard these words a million time but no one tells us exactly “Why?” “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character...” (4) Also Empathy can be broadly categorized into three types (5):
Cognitive Empathy (Empathizing at a Thought level)
Emotional Empathy (Empathizing at a Feeling level)
Compassionate Empathy (Empathizing at an Action level)
Everyone has their own journey which made them who they are today. This may have shaped people’s ideas, understanding & perspective in very different ways than our own. However we live in an inter-woven society & do need each other to function well. So how do we actually manage with someone whose ideas are different? Here is when Compassion comes in. Ever wondered why many spiritual leaders like Dalai Lama to Saint Teresa (Mother Teresa of Calcutta) preach compassion for World Peace? They know that it takes a non-judgmental viewpoint to understand each-other’s perspective & that alone can solve a variety of problems. So we should be empathetic & compassionate to everyone-yes. But there’s one person we sure forget to apply this -or may procrastinate for-Ourselves. How about stop judging ourselves for who we are or what we do? How about showing compassion for which we are-including our flaws & shortcomings? This again is a life-changing idea when applied can work miracles. Wouldn’t that be beautiful?
Takeaway Message
The above methods can help us choose appropriate emotions for appropriate times.
Of course, all this is just the tip of the iceberg! It is a wonderful journey towards emotional security & strength which is worth the effort.
All I can say is that EI makes us the masters of our own life & that is no less than having a Superpower!
References
Nicholls, Graham.Reference Articles, Emotional Intelligence Practioner Course, The Priority Academy, Emotional Needs
Foundation, Isha, (2020) Inner Engineering Online. Reference articles.
Foundation, Isha, (2020) Inner Engineering Online. Reference articles.
Psychology Today, Empathy (2020). Website: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/empathy, lines (1-3)
Nicholls, Graham.Reference Articles, Emotional Intelligence PR actioner Course, The Priority Academy, Types of Empathy
Comments