“Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love, and be loved for the rest of your life.” - Lisa Weed
Healthy family boundaries are when parents and children acknowledge each other's emotions, communicate, and respect their opinions without interfering with their individual space. As teenagers mature, they can become more involved in establishing boundaries to fit their new levels of independence. Enmeshment means a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. Family enmeshment describes the lack of boundaries between family members. It happens when roles are confused, parents are overly dependent on their child, and family members are not allowed to become emotionally independent. A lack of healthy boundaries can negatively affect all aspects of someone’s life.
Signs of family enmeshment
One family member’s emotional state is dependent on another’s.
Parents discourage children from following their dreams. The child also makes sure that his goals are in line with what his parents want for him without considering his own needs.
When the child has to support the parent emotionally and become the main source of advice.
Helicopter parenting- Parents are constantly hovering over their child's activities and get extremely involved in their lives.
The child feels guilty for needing space.
The child avoids saying “no” to avoid conflict.
The child feels obliged to solve the challenges family members face.
How enmeshment affects in adulthood
Lack of individualization
The decisions and commitments that a teenager makes help to shape their sense of self. A teenager who does not have the opportunity to Investigate, and then commit to their chosen views, and values will have a diffused identity, and will never create their own identity. Individuation is crucial not only for the establishment of a healthy identity, but also for the development of healthy relationships. When people are unsure of what they want, they may seek relations with no clear boundaries or commitment. They may feel unable to achieve their ambitions, preferring instead to do what others want.
Inability to resolve conflict
Constantly trying to keep parents, and others happy can lead to low self-worth and confidence. The inability to say “NO” can drain the individual socially and emotionally. Enmeshment can make it difficult for the individual to make decisions based on what is best for them. Some people believe that by addressing a conflict, they are indirectly creating one, so they prefer to keep quiet when they are upset. However, this isn't a healthy technique in the long run. In a family that lacks healthy boundaries, the child may deal with the inability to self-soothe, and sit with difficult emotions in adulthood.
Anxiety
A child needs support, empathy, reassurance, and to feel heard when conflicts arise in the family. If these needs aren't addressed, the teenager may experience anxiety as an adult when dealing with the outside world. They may constantly worry, and have negative thoughts. Several parenting behaviors have been linked to excessive anxiety in children, including high levels of criticism, and over-control, as well as low levels of affection and independence.
Abandonment issues
People with a fear of abandonment may experience problems in relationships because they fear that the other person will leave them. They need continuous reassurance from others that they love them, and will stay with them. They might even push people away to avoid rejection, or jump from one relationship to another quickly.
Normalizing abuse
When a child grows up in an environment where verbal or domestic abuse is common, they learn to tolerate it and think of it as normal. Even though such abuse creates trauma, victims may not recognize it as such because they may always convince themselves that the trauma, they're feeling isn't due to the abuser's actions, or they can simply fail to link the trauma symptoms with the abuse. Such people can be harmful to society.
Healing from Enmeshment
When parenting your children, it's easy to fall back on old attitudes and feelings, if you grew up in a close-knit household. You can avoid falling into this trap by understanding enmeshment and attempting to overcome old behaviors, and cognitive processes. Therefore, setting boundaries is crucial as it helps in developing one’s well-being. It is vital to set boundaries even if it is difficult. Setting boundaries in a family can look like this-
Valuing each other's time, and giving space when asked.
Being clear about your needs and communicating them.
Practicing saying “NO”.
Accepting that some decisions may cause sadness, but they are not betrayals.
Set consequences when boundaries are crossed.
You can restore your sense of self by practicing journaling. It will help you to express yourself better, and make your independent decisions. Parents must have hobbies, and interests outside their children's lives to keep them engaged, and active.
Takeaway Message
No family is perfect. Enmeshment is commonly observed in Asian families, but this does not mean that family members need to be distant to be happy as in the case of Western culture. Setting boundaries in the family can be slow and gentle, yet uncomfortable. So start with small steps to avoid strong reactions from family members. Remember that it is possible to stay connected with your family, and have boundaries at the same time.
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