“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” - Havelock Ellis According to an article from Psychiatric Times, 40% of grievers meet the criteria for major depression one month after their loss, and 24% still meet the criteria after two months.
Introduction
Grief is a natural response to loss, or even caused due to a change in familiar behaviour patterns. It is basically an emotional suffering that you experience when someone or something you love is taken away. It also depends on how significant the loss is. Sometimes, the pain of loss can be extremely overwhelming, and there are a myriad of unexpected emotions and unpleasant feelings that a person experiences which may be expressed in different ways. The grieving process takes time, and is completely unique to the person experiencing it. Grief involves a number of stages, from shock and denial, anger and guilt, bargaining, depression, finding a source of comfort, and to finally accepting and adjusting to the loss. Other than the loss of a loved one, grief can also be caused due to the loss of a job, breakup of a relationship, health issues, and sometimes moving to a new place.
Symptoms
There are a number of unexpected emotions, and feelings that a person may experience when he/she is grieving, but some of the common grief reactions are as follows:
Shock and denial
Anxiety and anger
Guilt
Depression and hopelessness
Confusion
Loss of sleep and appetite
Fatigue and social withdrawal
Types
There are many types of grief, some of which have been mentioned below:
Anticipatory grief
This is the type of grief that you experience when your loved ones have prolonged illness, and their condition is serious, so the patient as well as the family members anticipate death.
Delayed grief
In this type of grief, the person may experience emotions and feelings associated with a particularly traumatic event at a much later stage, that is after that particular event has already taken place. Another major life event may be the trigger.
Complicated grief
This type of grief lasts for a very long time, and severely impairs the ability to function and carry out day to day activities. Proper diagnosis should be done. Some of the warning signs may be self-destructive behaviour, violent outbursts, etc.
Masked grief
In this type of grief, the person may experience physical symptoms and negative behaviours, and is completely unaware of the fact that these symptoms are related to the loss.
Absent grief
In this type of grief, the person does not acknowledge the pain or loss and shows no signs of grief. This might be due to shock or if the person is in denial. It is usually concerning when this type of grief is prolonged for a long time. However, it is also important to note that if the signs are not visible to others, it does not necessarily mean that the person is not grieving.
Coping with grief and loss
"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” – John Green
It is important to cope up with grief and loss in a way that does not harm you or your well-being, below are some of the strategies which can help you:
Strong social support
Having a strong social support plays a very crucial role, especially for a person who has recently suffered a loss of a loved one. Someone who is trying to move on, should seek comfort, and help from their loved ones. It is extremely difficult, but communicating and surrounding yourself with your loved ones, creates a sort of distraction and instills a sense of belongingness, which makes you think that you have people, and can rely on them. Feelings of loneliness and despair may also somewhat decrease.
Acknowledge & Accept
One of the key elements of coping with grief and loss, is to first acknowledge your pain. Many times, people who experience grief, and have recently suffered a loss are in denial and refuse to acknowledge what has happened, which further aggravates their pain. The second thing is to accept that you are grieving or have suffered from a huge loss, and also that grief may trigger many unexpected emotions and negative thoughts. Always remember that you are stronger than you think.
Diet & Exercise
Your grieving process is completely unique to you, and you should try your best to maintain a healthy lifestyle because if you don’t, your mental health will also worsen, and would lead to many health problems. Try to get back to your routine and exercise, go for a walk/run, it might help you to feel a bit better. Support yourself by taking care of yourself.
Support groups
There are many support groups which you can consider joining, being with the people who are going through the same thing as you are, gives you a sense of belongingness, and talking to them about your experience, and sharing the pain will help you feel a bit light, and would also help you to recover from it, you just need to give yourself time. Other people can encourage and guide you, and offer practical advice, and help you feel less alone.
Healthcare providers
Often people turn towards their close friends and family if they are having difficulty to cope up with their grief and loss. But there are many people who do not have a strong social support, in such cases the person should consult, and get evaluated by a healthcare provider. They can provide help and support to them, and a way to adapt to their loss.
In short, accept all the feelings, let yourself cry. It will help in healing, and do not let others decide when you should grieve and when to stop. Take your time, distract yourself, engage in healthy activities, and take care of yourself. Always ask for help from your loved ones when required, compassion, and forgiveness is also an integral part of healing.
How to provide support to others?
Now, there may be many situations in your life wherein someone significant in your life has suffered a great loss, and you want to provide support to them. You can do a number of things to show your support:
Be available
The most important thing is to be there for them, just sit beside them or spend some time with them. Listen to whatever they have to say, often people just want someone to be there for them, they may not want to talk or even listen. So, make them feel that you are there, and whenever they want to talk or require some help, they can always count on you.
Patience
It’s very important to have patience. You cannot just expect the other person to be cheerful, and move on after a period of time. You need to give them time, and allow them to cope up at their own pace. At the same time, be understanding towards their feelings and emotions. Do not force them, and at the same time do not compare their suffering with that of others.
Providing food & help
Another way that you can provide support is by preparing food and sending it to them, encouraging them to eat because they may not be in a state to. So be gentle and empathetic towards them. Help them out in any way that you can, by taking care of the kids/elders who require help, offering transportation, and also in domestic chores.
Encourage & Motivate
It is also important for you to encourage and motivate them to eat a healthy diet. Make plans and go for a run with them, or plan a movie night or take them to a party. Do not do it all of a sudden. Give them sufficient time and space, there is no rush. Encourage them to go out, and spend time with their loved ones. It is very important to note that one should be gentle and compassionate towards them. Understand the difference between forcing the person to do these things, and encouraging them to.
Takeaway Message
It is a common myth that if a person does not cry, then it means that their loss has not affected them that much. That is wrong. Yes, people cry if they suffer from a loss, it is in fact a normal response to pain and sadness. But some people do not show their pain or sadness by crying. They feel the same amount of pain, and just as deeply as the people who cry do. It is just that they may have other ways of showing it. Grieving is a natural process and will take time. Do not pressurize yourself, and always ask for help. It does not make you look weak. Feel everything, acknowledge your pain. Do not blame yourself for anything. You will get through this, just stay strong and take care of yourself.
References
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/caregiving/grief-and-loss
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/grief/related/grief-statistics/
https://elizz.com/caregiver-resources/types-of-grief-and-loss/
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