“Dare to love yourself as if you were a rainbow with gold at both ends.” ― Aberjhani, Journey through the Power of the Rainbow
What is Love?
One of most preached topics of our time; it claims to end conflicts & fights & has the power to change lives-it is Love.
Love is the sweetness of emotions.
Each & every one of us is capable of giving & receiving this wonder of creation. It is one of the most pleasant experiences we can ever have.
However, we also struggle with love at some point or the other. We commit a common mistake- we forget that we too are a part of this exchange process & equally involved in it.
What is Self-Love?
Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. (1)
There is a phrase “To pour from an empty cup” that will be relatable to many of us.
We want to spread love & harmony in the world, give it to people who need it & take care of each other. It is indeed a very noble idea.
We are very philanthropic when it comes to “giving” love but ironically show disregard when it comes to the receiving end.
We often think we don’t need it or deserve it, forgetting that we are human too & unkindly reject this idea of “filling our cups first”.
Isn’t this Unfair?
Why do we have such rules that we shouldn’t be the ones who meet this need first?
It is unfair because somewhere we aren’t fully following the “practice what you preach” philosophy.
Why do we struggle with this aspect?
For those of us who are new to this topic or hearing this for the first time, it may not be entirely our fault. Maybe we were raised un-aware & oblivious to this experience. It may be so that our parents were themselves deprived of this aspect of life, so how could they have taught us something they didn’t learn?
They only taught us what they knew; best at that time.
This is the result of an unfortunate reality where conditions & situations are often the cause.
Most of our ancestors have lived through wars, unrest, hardships, falling economies & what not. Their foremost priority was to survive, fill the stomachs & fulfill the basic necessities of life for themselves & their families. They never had the time or the means to learn any of it.
However, time has changed.
We, on the other hand enjoy un-imaginable luxuries, are better off in terms of security & stability as a generation & have the time to introspect & think of these abstract needs as well.
The Stigma
"Loving yourself isn’t vanity. It’s sanity." - Andre Gide
Thinking of loving oneself may feel selfish or make someone feel guilty about doing it.
We might be the most loving & caring person for others but may judge, dislike or even dismay ourselves internally at the same time.
In reality, self-love is about being fair with ourselves; it has nothing to do about loving or not-loving someone else. People fear that accepting this aspect decreases their capability to give love to others-it doesn’t.
For example: In common households, it is often seen that the lady of the house takes care of others, fulfills the needs of her children & seems to seamlessly spread love & comfort to all. But still feels empty & lacking in love. It is a sad truth.
It also applies on parenting. People are learning that it is not selfish to take time for themselves - only then they can provide best for their children. (2)
Remedies
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." - Oscar Wilde Firstly, we don’t need to announce that we are practicing this art. It can be secretive & most of us are already doing this unconsciously. In doing things we like/enjoy, we are fundamentally practicing self-love.
Watch Yourself
The first step is to notice-do you feel empty & lacking internally? Or fulfilled & happy? Find out whether your cup feels “empty” or “full”. Bringing Awareness can change our perspective. We learn what we need to do.
Take Breaks
In a nerve-wracking world as ours, we forget about our needs to rest & recharge-physically & emotionally. Regular, short breaks can help us disconnect & remember that there are far more important things than our immediate work & we need to take care of them too.
Take care of Yourself
This includes a wide array of things. For some, it can be dressing well or taking care of our body through good food & regular workouts or it can include learning about good ideas & topics or maybe a good sleep. Finding out what makes us feel good about ourselves & then actively doing it is another way.
Just be there
We have a habit of taking credit - when we are feeling good but abandoning our sides - when we feel unpleasant or nasty. Leading psychologists suggest being present in the moment - unconditionally - be it ugly or beautiful - just validating our feelings with gentleness & love like we would - for a friend.
Treat yourself well
When was the last time you achieved a goal that was important to you? You might remember the effort & hard work you might have put in it for days & weeks & the perseverance that you showed for it. Great! Now, did you stop & took the time to appreciate yourself for achieving this endeavor & not giving up?
Probably not. We all are unfair to ourselves like this. This is one opportunity that we can use to show some love & reward ourselves for all the fabulous work that we do. We deserve it! It’s about acknowledging ourselves for who we are & what we do. Treating ourselves with something we like (an ice-cream or a chocolate!) is a good idea. Remember it’s not about quantity but about quality.
What will change?
We know that there is immense power in being independent. We can choose to decide/act /refuse & choose whatever we want from our lives. It is empowerment for the soul.
A lot of fortunate /unfortunate things happen in life-it’s imperative that we don’t lose ourselves in this process.
If we are self-sufficient in ourselves, not only can we take care of ourselves better but also offer help to others. If we are happy with ourselves, we aren’t bothered by what happens in life.
Self-love is built from life experiences as well as certain habits and activities. Many of the reason’s individuals see themselves in a certain way is because of how others have treated them -both positively & negatively. (3)
Organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous (4) teach self-love to recovering drug-alcohol addicts as the first step to empowerment & resilience.
Such is the power & importance of loving ourselves first.
The Journey Ahead
We are fortunate to be learning about this idea which might never be encountered by so many in their lives. Many of us may have spent years pulling ourselves down unknowingly/knowingly.
We may also have experienced emotional wounds that need our care & love. We simply cannot go around the world with open wounds. Taking care of ourselves & giving time is the way forward. Our future self will indeed thank us for this decision one day.
Hurting didn’t help us, now let’s try love.
All the Best!
"Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens." - Louise Hay
References
Jeffrey Borenstein/ Brain & Behavior Research Foundation. /Self-Love and What It Means [2020] {https://www.bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means}
Leslie Gunderson/Jonah Green & Associates, LLC/You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup – Self Care Ideas for Parents [07/2018]/ https://www.childandfamilymentalhealth.com/parenting/you-cant-pour-from-an-empty-cup-self-care-ideas-for-parents/
Legacy Healing Centre/Why Self Love Recovery Is Vital in Rehab [11/2019] {https://www.legacyhealing.com/why-self-love-recovery-is-vital-in-rehab/}
Alcoholics Anonymous/ Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who help each other with their common problem with alcoholism{https://www.aa.org/}
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