“The most sophisticated people I know - inside they are all children.” ― Jim Henson
If there is one relationship that is the most underrated & ignored but ironically the most important-it is the relationship of us with ourselves. Majority of us form a wide array of connections during our lives. It may be a relationship with our family, friends, colleagues or partners. Similarly, we also form a relationship with “Ourselves”. Just like we face ups and downs in our relationships with others & grow when we deal with these issues, we also grow when we learn to manage ourselves effectively.
What is the concept of Inner Child?
Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist is reported to have coined the term “Inner Child” with the “divine child archetype” (1) According to Wikipedia “In popular and analytical psychology, the term inner child is an individual's childlike aspect. It includes what a person learned as a child, before puberty. It is often conceived as a semi-independent subpersonality subordinate to the waking conscious mind.”
The Inner Child is essentially a part of human aspect.
Simply stated, it’s like our young partner that experiences life along with us. Our Happiness, sorrows, successes, disappointments, values, shames all are experienced with this entity. This concept has often been presented in folklores & personal quotes from people. Whenever someone exclaimed “Have a Child’s heart” or “Being Young from heart”, they were essentially describing this concept.
Where does it originate from?
“I love fantasy; I love imagination - that's the inner child in me”.
- Hannah John-Kamen
If we look into understanding this concept, it’s not very different from the concept of a child in the physical world. There is a symbolic 5-year-old child within us that doesn’t age. We are required to take care of it in all aspects and cater to its needs. Since it is a “Child”, it does not desire money or fame or materials to feel happy. Instead it yearns for love, care, compassion & forgiveness. However, many of us are never taught about this aspect let alone how to take care of it. This is a major reason why we feel so “Empty” in spite of the luxury of every external success. Parenting the Inner child is like parenting any other child. We have to acknowledge its presence, give it attention it needs, guide it through the chaos of the world to support & nurture it in the best possible way. It may not be easy or comfortable to deal with it especially if it has been ignored for years. Just like a child, it can get quite nasty & stubborn sometimes. But we are responsible for its care & growth. It is never too late to start. A person at peace with his inner child will no doubt be a great parent & partner in life.
Where does the issues arise?
“Imagination is our inner-child and creativity, its playground.” - Jaeda DeWalt
When we are young, we are happier & easy going. However, with changing circumstances & with our “bubble of expectations” bursting, we tend to become “less of our creative selves” -inside and outside. Not only do we conclude that the world is harsh and unforgiving but also learn that it’s not what we dreamt of it to be. This thinking is often internalized where we become quite skeptical and start becoming critical about ourselves. Many of us lose the childlike innocence, curiosity & excitement towards our lives. We feel that we are stupid to have desires and aspirations that can’t be fulfilled and often suppress these longings with a harsh hand. As a result, the once lively child within us who wants to explore the world with its innocence is left scarred, abandoned and hurt. It becomes sad & terrible. These unfulfilled desires & needs (which often surface in the form of unpleasant feelings) are suppressed by distracting ourselves in unhealthy ways like substance abuse, pornography, violence etc. However, we don’t have to wait for these issues to take such a complicated form neither do we need to suppress or deny them in the first place.
How can we solve these issues?
So many people feel disconnected with themselves and in their lives that suffering feels natural to them. It doesn’t have to be like that. If one investigates the source of any dominant problem that is manifesting outwards and connect the dots, it’s a huge possibility that it’s a repercussion of the neglect and ill-treatment of the Inner Child. Its needs are unmet. External situations & occurrences play a major role. It is possible that people never had a chance to learn about it or didn’t bother to explore. Either way it leads to suffering. Being Aware that we all possess an Inner Child that may be in a deteriorating condition is a grand step. And now when we know Better, we can Do better. We need to deal with it just like we would with any other child, we need to be patient and willing to listen and when we do, we unlock the secret for a truly happy life i.e. “by befriending ourselves”.
Following Baby Steps
“We nurture our creativity when we release our inner child. Let it run and roam free. It will take you on a brighter journey.” - Serina Hartwell
What did you do in your childhood that used to keep you occupied for hours? Was it getting lost in dreams or doing nothing, painting or singing, anything or everything? These are the things that we once enjoyed without any pressure to perform which we may reject today in the name of “Growing Up” or “Unimportant”. It’s time to re-connect with them.
Apologise
What do you say to someone who has suffered for years due to your neglect or hurt? You apologise. Not just as a formality but with an honest, truthful approach. Write an honest letter to yourself apologising for what you feel you have done wrong & promise that you would not repeat it. Remember this is one of the most important relationship you have and you don’t want to build it over distrust.
Embrace
When we truly care for someone, we learn to accept their behaviour with poise. A child can get happy or excited to sad and irritating pretty quickly, yet it is dealt with love, care & guidance. The inner child yearns for similar treatment.
Reward
Our inner child may have forgotten the curiosity to explore due to our constant nagging. We need to re-kindle this spirit. Motivating ourselves through ups and downs with a pep talk or a nice treat for our efforts, now & then, is a good idea.
Explore
Looking inside we may find that in order to “Discipline” ourselves we may rather have become “Harsh” on ourselves. However, every child loves to explore. It may stumble and fall- which is part of the learning process. One way to explore our suppressed feelings consciously, is to use the “Non-dominant hand” more often. Learning to write and draw and perform other chores with the non-dominant hand can release repressed feelings. (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) (2)
Beware of High
expectations & Quest for
Perfection
This is perhaps the most devastating habit that we can form. When we want ourselves to be different & how we “Should Be” rather than who we really are, we are essentially implying we are “Not Good Enough”. It shatters self-esteem and the confidence our inner child possesses. Practising unconditional acceptance can help.
The Road Ahead
“Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.” ― Paulo Coelho
A lot of research has been conducted on the concept of Inner Child worldwide. From child abuse to addiction recovery, psychotherapists have extensively worked on this theory that can give a practical-understandable way for emotional healing to people. Knowing that everything we do affects another entity, makes us more cautious about our choices and teaches us to take care of ourselves in life. It’s not rocket science to understand. The only challenge is that it takes a strong heart to be present- without criticism or judgement-during every type of feeling that might unravel from our past. This is a journey of liberation. The answers we try to find so desperately outside are all there inside, waiting to be heard. It is journey that is full of surprises which in time will reveal why we do what we do and also why others are the way they are-which could simply be young-innocent kids trying to figure out the world.
Reference
Psychologist world/ Carl Jung: Archetypes and Analytical Psychology/ https://www.psychologistworld.com/cognitive/carl-jung-analytical-psychology#references
Rebecca Garratt /Inner child healing - healing the past with hypnotherapy and NLP/ Anxiety, Inner Child Healing, Confidence, Weight & More/9th September, 2020/ https://www.hypnotherapy-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/inner-child-healing-healing-the-past-with-hypnotherapy-and-nlp
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