The only truth about humans is that none of them are perfect. They all make mistakes and ultimately, grow and learn out of those mistakes. An important element that comes along with this human tendency of making mistakes is forgiveness. Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the anger, pain, and resentment caused by a person by someone else, or even themselves. Majority people may forgive the other person, but fail to truly forgive themselves.
Why is forgiveness such an important quality to have in life? The answer is quite simple, it allows you to have some peace with yourself, and the situation. We don’t realize the intensity that holding grudges, and being egoistic has on ourselves. It destroys your mental peace, disturbs your stability, and just affects the overall mental health of an individual. But the most important element of forgiveness is that it brings us to a realization, and forces us to acknowledge the fact that the people around us are humans, and humans make mistakes. It is just a part of who we are and irrespective of whether the person actually asks for forgiveness or not, learn to do that for them and most importantly, for you. Forgiving yourself is much more important than forgiving a different person, and undoubtedly much more difficult. When it is someone else who made the mistake, people blame themselves more than they blame the other person for falling into the trap, or being naïve of the situation, or the person. They think that they could have avoided the entire situation and thus, not faced the consequences. When it is them who have made the mistake, the process becomes much more complex. They start doubting themselves to be a genuine human being, and think that how could they possibly even do something like that. The self-esteem, confidence, and the faith that one has on oneself drops to a great level. Thus, in both cases, people have to forgive themselves first. The inability to forgive themselves is associated with a lot of guilt, and the ability of people to punish themselves over and over again. People think that punishing themselves is the appropriate way to make themselves realize their mistakes, but do not realize that the greatest achievement of people is realizing that they have made a mistake in the first place. So many people do not even realize that they have actually done something wrong so when you realize that, give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve to forgive yourself.
Reasons to forgive yourselves
Associated with self-acceptance
With forgiveness, comes acceptance. Acceptance of people to understand that everything that they do is a part of the healing process that could be achieved with forgiveness. When people truly forgive themselves, they accept themselves just the way they are with knowing how and what work they are supposed to do. They accept that they are beautiful and different for the way they are, and thus one should unconditionally accept themselves. It also comes with the realization that they are just human to make mistakes, and should not punish themselves for that.
Being free from the shackles of the past
The ability of letting go of the past in order to look ahead is what differentiates people. Whatever happened, happened in the past, and you can only learn from it. Being stuck in the past has not taken a person very far. Forgive yourself because it all happened when you were a different person. You are a different person now, and you realize what you did. When you break free from the guilt and anger of the past and genuinely forgive yourself, you allow yourself to say a sweet goodbye, and vow to be a better person for the world and yourself.
The process of self-love
Self love for me is being unconditionally accepting, loving and giving yourself what you deserve. Forgive yourself just as you would forgive a loved one. When you forgive yourself with an open and clean heart and mind, you accept your flaws, the worst parts of yourself and embrace them. You understand that this is who you are, and love the fact that you are different without hating yourself for everything you did wrong. Isn’t that what self-love is truly about?
Achieving peace of mind and strength
Forgiving yourself gives you peace. You stop being a captive to any resentment or grudges you may have and start focusing on other things that are important. You can let go and show you are willing to embrace freedom. There is no partial letting go, you have to let go completely so you can completely embrace peace. The ultimate goal of life is being happier and forgiveness gives you a chance to achieve that. Whether it is courage or fairness, forgiveness gives you strength over the situation before you. You cannot really understand the depth of this when you are filled with anger and resentment over your past misdeeds. You can only accept this, and understand this when you are willing to let go. It is not so easy to forgive or to let go as you think this poses some limitations, or shows some weakness. But the contrary is the case when you can forgive yourself, no matter what happens. The weak cannot forgive. Only the strong can. Show strength and forgive yourself.
Taking responsibility
Genuineness lies where there is responsibility. When you do something wrong, it is important to understand that you have the ability to recognize your wrongdoings, and hence work on them. When someone does you wrong, forgive them for being human, and making mistakes and forgive yourself for not knowing enough about the situation. Whether they ask for it or not, be a bigger person, take the responsibility and let go of the negative emotions. It’s not worth it. Forgiveness teaches you to take responsibility for your actions and emotions, and that is a huge lesson to learn.
Ways to forgive yourself
Almost all therapies and counseling processes talk about forgiveness. Forgiving yourself, and the people who do you wrong is not just about being the bigger person, it is a necessity. There are several ways in which one can achieve self-forgiveness. These are as follows:
Focus on your emotions
Before moving ahead, it is important to have a close look at your emotions and have an introspection. Why do you feel the way you do? What is causing you to react in a particular way? Give yourself the time and space to focus, and understand your feelings and emotions well.
Acknowledge the mistake
Accepting that we have made a mistake is the most difficult part of the process. When you give a voice to the thoughts in your head and the emotions in your heart, you may free yourself from some of the burdens. You also imprint in your mind what you learned from your actions and consequences.
Think of it as a learning process
Absolutely nothing in our life happens without a reason. It always happens for a good one because the bad lessons ultimately become a learning process. Your mistakes wanted you to learn something, not make you punish yourself for doing it. Forgive yourself because you deserve to be forgiven, and you deserve to take the good and learn out of every mistake.
Have a conversation with your inner critic
Maintaining a diary can really help you to get in touch with your feelings. When your invisible feelings come on paper, you get a clarity of your thoughts and emotions. Make time to understand yourself, your strengths, weaknesses, how you react and what triggers you. Getting in touch with yourself can make you realize the need for forgiving yourself.
Get clear about what you want
If the mistake you made hurt another person, you need to determine the best course of action. Do you want to talk to this person and apologize? Is it important to reconcile with them and make amends? If you’re on the fence about what to do, you might want to consider making amends. This goes beyond saying sorry to a person you’ve hurt. Instead, try to fix the mistake you’ve made. One study found that forgiving ourselves for hurting another is easier if we first make amends.
Avoid being self-critical
Being a critic for yourself and being self-critical are two different things. Know when you are being too harsh on yourself. When you just focus on your negative qualities, and the things that are wrong with you instead of also looking out for the good in yourself, that is when you need to pause and breathe. When you look at the bright side, you understand that making mistakes is a part of your beautiful flaws, and because it is all a part of who you are, you understand that you owe yourself forgiveness.
Take your own advice
Oftentimes, it’s easier to tell someone else what to do than to take our own advice. It is important to ask yourself what you would tell your best friend if they were sharing this mistake they made with you, and then take your own advice. This happened to me since I am great at giving advice and lately, I realized that the advice I give people is the advice I need, so be your own hero and give yourself what you need. You’ll be surprised as to how many questions are answered when you start listening to your own advice.
Show kindness and compassion
The inability to forgive yourself is associated with not being compassionate, and kind enough to yourself. When you realize that it is important to be kind to yourself too because you deserve it, you stop blaming yourself for every single thing. Understand that you deserve nothing but happiness, and the absolute best in life irrespective of who you are or what you do, and thus, forgive yourself because you deserve to be forgiven.
Takeaway Message
With the power of forgiving someone also comes the power of asking for forgiveness. There is absolutely no shame in admitting that you went wrong somewhere. It shows the beauty of your heart, the acknowledgment of that mistake, and being willing to take responsibility for the hurt and pain caused like a true, genuine human being. Using that power well and most importantly, meaning the apology is an incredible responsibility that falls on the human being. You can only genuinely mean your apology when you are really sorry. I can’t help but think of this scene from the Bollywood movie ‘Zindagi na milegi dobara’ where Imran asks how many times he has to ask for forgiveness from Arjun for dating his girlfriend in college, and Arjun replies that not until it comes from within. When Imran goes through a similar situation where his father apologizes for leaving him and his mother alone, he realizes that it isn’t genuine, but also understands the importance of genuine apologies. He goes back and genuinely apologizes to Arjun. When I was younger, I always heard that ‘Sorry wouldn’t change anything’, and that is true. But sorry does change the intention, and the realization of the mistake is greater than any irreversible consequence. It may be painful, but the purity and genuineness of intentions weighs over any consequence. So say a genuine sorry to anyone you have done wrong. It does weigh, and you will feel better about taking responsibility for your actions. When you have a hard time forgiving anyone, understand that sometimes people’s worst mistakes come from places of insecurities and emptiness. Forgive them because you have a big heart which accommodates people’s mistakes. Forgive them because it gives you a peace of mind, and allows you to let go of the negative emotions. There is truly beauty in accepting people’s, and your mistakes and forgiving whole heartedly, and learning this skill enhances your capability to be a genuine and a kind person. The greatest myth is that forgiving people is good for them whereas in reality, forgiving people and yourself is a symbol that you are capable of truly letting go, and accepting human flaws, and people as they are.
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