“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength” - Crissi Jami
Sakshi and Meher were talking about their romantic relationships. While Sakshi was talking about how she tries to be the perfect girlfriend for her partner who does not have any flaws, with a fear of the fact that he may not love her the same way, Meher talks about how both of them embrace each other’s flaws, and are transparent and honest to each other.
Before we conclude who has the better relationship, we must consider how vulnerabilities play a role in our life. Emotional Vulnerabilities, in simple words, means putting yourself out there, allowing people to see the good and bad in you. Since we all desire people to see the good in us, vulnerabilities usually mean showing people the difficult side of us.
Why does Sakshi fear to show the vulnerable side of her? What are Meher and her partner doing right in their relationship? How can Sakshi overcome her fear of showing the vulnerable side of her?
Reasons people are scared to be vulnerable:
Fear of getting hurt
When we become vulnerable, we share a very intimate part of ourselves with the other person. The fear of the other person not taking it well, and ultimately hurting us is what restricts people from expressing their flaws. Sakshi believes that showing all sides of herself will not be accepted by her partner, who will leave her, thus, hurting her.
Lack of Stability
People who grow up in unstable environments believe that there is no use in forming dependable connections with others since, in the end, they are the only ones they can rely on.
Lack of Attention
The lack of attention makes people grow up thinking that there is no need to show the vulnerable side of themselves, and make emotional connections since that will be of no importance, and would not change the way people treat them.
Insecurities
People who are not happy with the way they are very insecure with themselves suffer from the fear to be vulnerable. They believe that no one is worse than them, and that their vulnerabilities will make the other person pass judgments, and think poorly of them.
Fear of Abandonment
The fear of people leaving them for their vulnerabilities is what scares people to open up. The idea of being perfect individuals is what makes people think that if they don’t keep up with being perfect, they will lose people around them and end up being alone for life. Sakshi suffered from the fear of abandonment and thus, refused to express her vulnerabilities.
Healthy and Unhealthy Vulnerabilities
Vulnerabilities themselves are not unhealthy, however, the situations in which we use them can be unhealthy. Healthy vulnerabilities include being transparent to others, acknowledging the bad in us as much as we acknowledge the good, and forming healthy relationships with everyone which is based on trust, mutual respect, and intimate connection. Healthy vulnerabilities also include feeling secure within yourself despite the knowledge that the other person is aware of it and accepts you unconditionally. Meher along with her partner practices healthy vulnerability by being accepting and secure in the relationship.
Unhealthy Vulnerabilities also include expressing all of yourself to the other person, however, it is for the wrong reasons. The purpose of unhealthy vulnerabilities is not to form secure attachments with others, rather it stems from insecurities, and results in manipulative behavior. People expressing their vulnerabilities have an agenda to justify everything they do to their vulnerabilities, and not take up any responsibility for the same. Vulnerabilities, in such cases, dominate the relationship and do not leave any room for attachment or growth. Such vulnerabilities are extremely unhealthy, and can damage the relationship instead of building the same.
It is thus, necessary that we all practice healthy vulnerabilities, and work towards feeling secure within ourselves.
Reasons it is good to be vulnerable
Allows you to be Open to Change
Vulnerabilities not only means expressing your negatives to the other person, but also yourself. Recognizing a negative trait can help us to work towards the same, and strive to be better individuals. The goal ultimately is to work on our negatives, and be better for ourselves and the world.
Helps to build Intimate and Meaningful Relationships
Humans are social beings and forming intimate relationships enhances the quality of our lives. Good and meaningful relationships add a lot of value to our life, and vulnerabilities help us to achieve the same. Being vulnerable, we truly allow ourselves to show others who we are, without any filter, and the knowledge that the other person accepts the real us and is being accepted by us forms a deep connection between two individuals. Such relationships help us to create an emotionally rich life.
Helps us to build Empathy
Empathy is the quality of placing yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is truly understanding their condition. Being vulnerable not only helps us to express our true self, but also makes us accepts and understand others’ vulnerabilities. This helps us to build empathy and learn to be more compassionate by understanding where others’ vulnerabilities come from and be a little more understanding about the same.
Forces us to avoid Coping Mechanisms
Coping Mechanisms are the way we deal with difficult emotions. These mechanisms are usually unhealthy since they teach us to avoid difficult emotions rather than work through them. Being vulnerable allows us to acknowledge the good and bad in ourselves and thus, come up with healthy strategies to not just deal with our emotions, rather go through the process and heal from within.
Walks us through the Road to Self-love
Finally, learning to be vulnerable and expressing our vulnerabilities to other people lifts a huge weight off our chest and truly sets us free. The road to self-love is accepting our vulnerabilities, and still loving ourselves, along with aiming to be better individuals every day. Acceptance of our flaws, and loving ourselves despite all the mistakes we make paired with striving to be better individuals is what makes a healthy individual and vulnerabilities help you achieve that.
How to Start being more Vulnerable
Acceptance
The key step to start being more vulnerable is accepting that we, as humans, make mistakes and that it is okay to do so. Making mistakes does not make us a bad person, it makes us human and what we do about those mistakes is what defines us. Having accepted that it becomes easier for individuals to start being more vulnerable.
Self- Reflect
The process of being vulnerable demands a person to self-reflect, and have a deeper understanding of themselves. Reflecting on our emotions allows us to pay attention to our emotions, and get a deeper understanding of ourselves.
Communicate
Communicate well about your vulnerabilities. Vulnerabilities can be taken well provided they are communicated well to the other person. Trying to sugarcoat our vulnerabilities just degrades the entire process. Be direct and honest about them.
Learn to be secure within yourself
Security comes within yourself, and you must learn to be happy with yourself. Developing healthy vulnerabilities by using vulnerabilities for the right reasons is necessary to have good and healthy relationships.
Be patient
No human is perfect, and it takes some time for us and for others to accept our vulnerabilities. Be patient with the entire process of acceptance, because the result is worth the patience.
Takeaway Message
We can say that Meher is in a relationship that is bringing out the best in both of them, whereas Sakshi can take some efforts to heal from her insecurities and overcome the fear of being vulnerable, which would allow her to be in a supportive and emotionally rich in her relationship.
Humans are no robots, we all tend to make mistakes, and acknowledging them and correcting them is what makes us good people. A quote from The Better Man project describes vulnerabilities perfectly: “Vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it takes to reveal your heart is one of the most daunting...yet rewarding experiences in life. It will set you free.” There is so much courage and bravery in opening your heart for people to see the good and bad of your beautiful heart, especially in today’s world where perfect is the new normal. I hope we all strive to be a Meher and overcome our Sakshi to achieve, and live an emotionally flourishing and satisfying life.
References
Janhavi's articles are nothing less than a privilege to read. Such depth, understanding and maturity on the subject, she is definitely going to reach places. You can see how much interested she is in psychology. Her article on narcissism, letting go and now on vulnerabilities, the personal touch that she adds is beautiful. Looking forward to read more articles from her side!
Beautiful written and explained ❤️😍