It was sharp 1:30 AM, a thundering knock at my door, it was so thundering that even ground floor people experienced the vibrations and the music that was coming from those vigorous knocks (by the way my habitat was on 3rd floor). I was being in a half-slept state after rigorous efforts to sleep by taking help from medication, thought maybe it is another voice which I am assuming just like the phone ringtones keep buzzing into my head from invisible cell phone at all the other times. A delay in getting up from the bed made those knocks from storms made extensively thunderous which could possibly break the door of my rented place where even keeping an electric kettle is counted as code of misconduct. The worry of forthcoming fine payment left no other option than to open the door. Just after opening the door, not to my surprise door got replaced with me. Some 300 odd colleagues were watching and/or listening the live telecast of this show. Within a fraction of second my thoughts got shifted from that live audience to this one co-actor of the show who was fully possessed in a fit of rage. Oh! By the way this co-actor was a senior and also a neighbour by my super bad luck.   I tried not to be the punching bag this time with keeping my calmness, but this co-actor had already done a thorough research on every aspect of my life. My calmness got defeated by the thunder created by that senior. With each passing second, I was experiencing character assassination of me, mockery of my integrity. The insecurities of my personal life which were known to only me till 15 minutes earlier, now became sensational news for that live audience after the exhibition organized by my senior. I assume all the information was collected by properly keeping an ear out for me as those days I had to talk to my family over thousands of calls. Anyways, after all the ruckus done, I left that place in a sense of utter shock, fear and humiliation and waited for the rise of dawn while sitting on a distant road. I returned to my room just to carry out daily rituals.   But since I already had conveyed about my intentions to file a complaint, it further brought retaliation against my way; The moment I gone inside room, I got locked up inside my very own room by this mighty co-actor of the night show and again got threatened for dire consequences and warning that from now on my life, I would be a living hell.   Somehow, I managed to escape from there and made an informative complaint at my workplace about the incident of harassment without any further strong action against the senior since deep down I was not willing to get that senior’s career destroyed. ​ I used to be like if I am not harming the lion, I will not be the lion’s prey. What I was facing this from quite a long time, it was just a professional competitiveness turned rivalry reached to the personal level. Though I was never the part of that rat race, but was assumed as a hurdle by that senior. ​ I remained distracted and confused due to so much happening around including the debilitating pain due to cervical spondylosis that I was neither able to shift the location of my room and workstation nor was able to comprehend the way out of anything. Before that incident, I consistently made one big mistake out of fear that I never strongly objected being taken as punching bag though facing humiliation and toxicity on a regular basis. Everything was appearing some sort of a never-ending movie to me. This particular story has been broadly narrated just to enlighten the reader about the necessity of identifying the difference between a dispute and a harassment. At times people around us make us believe that these kinds of incidences are no big deal just because the two people involved in it belong to same gender and we end up losing self-respect for delaying counter-actions or no actions at all. So, speak up for yourself if you are facing any kind of hindrance towards your physical or mental wellbeing, be it at any place including office, college or home. Be mindful what and how much you are tolerating in the name of “Ho jata h kbhi kbhi, itna to chalta h” because this way you are literally guiding the other person how to behave with you. Gather your courage and don’t give a heed to what X, Y or Z will say on your decision because those were and will always be mute, coward spectators enjoying the show. We all deserve happiness and no one has the right to pull our strings and treat us like a puppet in their show. Every bookmark in our book of life is not a mere bookmark, rather it tells a story what we learnt and grown up. ​ - Anonymous Author

You think you’re weak? I’m sorry honey, but your scars narrate a different story. - Jaanvi Harnal Dear survivor, ​ That scar which is embroidered on your skin rejoices the Victory and hardship you face daily on the battle ground, fighting with those demons who call you the worshiper of unworthiness and pain. Those ‘walls’ you surround yourself in don’t make you any weaker, in fact those walls are absorbers of words of ill-treatment thrown at you which make you fight back with equal strength. They don’t know that you can build a strong castle with all the bricks that are thrown at you. ​ My dear little survivor, this is not a self-help guide to love yourself, this is the narration of same survivor who fought through all this and understands your tears you welled up last night while writing down on the piece of  paper you call a ‘diary’. I want to save you, cherish you…. Embrace you and scream at you for questioning yourself. In my eyes, you are a star who shines brighter than any other spotlight. You think your scars make you weak? Those ‘cover girls’ make you look dull? Let me tell you something love, those imperfections make you gloom more than any sunflower who reveals itself towards the sun. This pain you are going through may take you down someday but before letting it overcome you just think, there is someone in this world who wants to see your smile or wants you to be someone else’s sign for hope. Hope… that ceases to be held on. I will stay by your side and hold onto that hope till the day realisation hits us with a sweet pain that YES you and I are worth it! Those demons didn’t get the right to take away your innocence. Those scars they inflicted on our backs that night will remain the scars of victory and an untold story of survival. Remember, no matter what they say, We are not a victim they decided to throw away like a rag doll, we are a SURVIVOR. If you and I decide to narrate our past horrors we can set this world on fire and you never know who might need the hand… a hand to pull him/her over from drowning away. ​ Did you and I went through sexual assault? Yes! ​ Did this caused pain? Yes! ​ Do you consider yourself a victim? No! I absolutely do NOT. I own my scars. I am not ashamed of them. Those who caused them are the ones to be ashamed. They are the victims of aggression and frustration that led them to lose self-control. The society is victim of many crimes and judgment who didn’t take time to label us ‘impure’. I am beautiful, someone to love and to be loved. ​ So my dear little survivor, if those hands come at night to haunt you turn yourself into a shield of light that will overshadow their (demon) darkness. Slaughter their intentions with your sword and roar like a lioness who is free from the clutches of fetters. You are beyond something who has survived so big and cruel, don’t ever underestimate yourself.   The night witnessed your screams, Bowed down to your strengths, No wonder prayed it to be a dream. All the stars you hoped for, Unfortunately, shone brightest in your darkest dream.   Repeat after me, you are strong, you survived this! The scar looks up my strength. I am proud of it. Proud of you. We share the same heartbeat… same choice… same justice. You’re the one who should be loved, my dear little survivor.   Your hope, Jaanvi Harnal

Diary entry of the day when I took a rebirth, where I left the old Aakanksha which got created by various factors involving my mind and the society. I can never forget this day and it will always be a great one for me. Dear Diary, ​ It’s been 5 to 6 years since I have picked up a pen and a paper and scribbled something. Due to the dominance and reliance on autocorrect and keyboard warrior lifestyle, forgive me if I make spelling mistakes as I write. Oh Well! My fingers ache already, but the show must go on! ​ Today I spoke to an old friend of mine, and he made me realise that over this period of 5 years or even more, I created (Well my Mind!) a version of me which has been captured by everything from boyfriends, friends and even my own thoughts and trinkets. A version of me who has become a slave to things that don’t make me happy, a sucker for feelings that are uncomfortable, a version of me who has come to hate their own reflection, a version of me that I want to break free from. ​He made me realise that once upon a time there was a girl free from all these chains, a charming soul that cared about the good things, things which were worthy of her time, she was like a bird who cannot be caged, owned, she was someone in her own league! Unbothered and yet warm! A version of me who had her own music, own lifestyle, her own taste in clothes, her own wishes, basically she was everything that made her “Aakanksha”, that made her “her”. ​ I am writing this down because I don’t want you to forget what I have learned today! ​ As I became my own enemy, As I became a slave to what other people thought of me, of what I thought of myself, as I pitied my own existence every day, as I called myself not “Worthy” enough for people who were never really worthy of me, Today, I have come to a realization that all this time I have been feeding this version of me with the negative energy I have been creating, I have been feeding my overdriven thoughts , I gave power to the other “Aakanksha” and let her drive my life into this grave of crippling “Anxiety” and “Self-Loathing”. ​ I realized, I responded to her actions the way she wanted me to, I fed her with more Anxiety and self-doubt. Even though, every now and then whenever I came this close to winning this battle against her, she overwhelmed me from time & again, within a moment of weakness, she will find a way to enter and hop right back to the front seat and drive my fear right out of my guts, she will make sick, needy, repulsive of my own presence. ​ I have been so hard on myself for so long, that I had forgotten what it felt like to be rewarded without feeling the guilt. I conditioned myself to this pain and anxiety so much, that they became a part of me, a way of living. ​But today with the nudge from my friend, I am going to fight her, every day, from today she is no longer taking the steering wheel.

I would be happy to introduce myself and share how I reached here to this community… People follow a variety of favourite hobbies like drawing, gardening or singing, but mine is thinking. So, where people follow their hobbies and shed their stress, I had always been talking in my head. So, you can guess, that I always had been nurturing a gigantic tree with pain, sorrows and self- criticism as its long branches.   Coming from a dysfunctional/ broken family made me more considerate about the concept of helping the people in need. I still wonder how till my post- graduation I managed numerous times to bring back myself towards my own growth. I have always been a person who has been there to every call for help, either emotionally or physically. I was seeking happiness in helping people. But this turned me into a doormat for them. I incurred a huge cost due to this. While pursuing doctoral degree I noticed the toil on my mental and physical health.   I became the person who was so paranoid to face people, hence taking a U-turn in front of them was the only option which looked feasible. Fast forwarding few months, a silver lining appeared, the people who I used to fear left my vicinity. So, ideally, I should have felt relieved, but whatever I did, it could not help me. Earlier I used to hate my life but then I started to hate myself perceiving myself a person who has made uncountable mistakes. My studies got halted for years.   After a number of different diagnosis, I came to know that panic attacks, anxiety, depression have become the part of my new friend circle. Even after taking medical help, at times I used to hopelessly search for a little ray of light in a cave which constituted just me and my new friend circle. A Ray of Light! ​ For effective resolution of our issues, we need honest discussion so we frequently turn towards our friends, and if that friend shows inability to listen us, it takes a huge toll on our mental wellbeing. Even if they try to listen us then due to lack of boundaries between our emotions, they end up giving the biased suggestion just to make us feel empowered. So having a friend with clear boundaries with whom we can have honest and healthy conversation becomes a dire need for us. ​ A friend came from somewhere and made me realize that thinking is not a productive hobby and I need to firstly help myself by questioning my own thoughts. One day he asked, how your entire day goes? I had no answer to this. Fast forwarding the couple of months, and here I am! I’ve resumed my Ph.D. and now I’ve been given the opportunity to introduce myself to this community, but I think my introduction will be incomplete without thanking Mr. Jatin and his team. ​ There are some rays of light which I have started to follow upon his recommendation: Though I can replace the operating system of my electronic devices but unfortunately can’t replace my own operating system (mind), all I can do is to modify its functioning through changing perspectives. Whenever any other friend of mine assured me that I would be able to see 2021, I never believed. But now I know that there is no quick fix when it comes to mental health, it is a continuous progression task. Whatever I do in a day defines who I want to be. Self-love is the only magical thing which I can have within me. I can help nobody till I am firstly capable of helping myself. Perfection exists nowhere, I need to accept myself and try to become better than yesterday. The upside of mental illness!   Fear is the first reaction when we listen the name of mental illness for self, but I have realized that actually it has given me the opportunity to observe myself and become better. Now, I know little bit better about human psychology as well which is totally different than my usual technical background. I became friend with some amazing people just because of my mental illnesses. Now I know the true significance of keep trying. ​ When our favourite vase breaks down, we can either keep on experiencing the pain out of it or we can pick those pieces and try to stick those back together to the best we can!

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